Russian Roulette
by starooo
Summary: All she has to do is watch him play the game. Watch his every move and never interfere. But when he picks the wrong gun, it's when everything falls apart. Mikan Sakura knows the consequences, but she can never, ever, interfere. NxM


**Russian Roulette**

_"Will you play the game?"_

**

* * *

**

For

_Ezmouse _and _Stella Ahlavet._

Because we spend late nights and early mornings talking nonsense that only _we _can understand.

I'm sure you know that this is _my _prompt for _you. _But here I am, writing it nevertheless.

That's how much stellar I am and how much I love you. :)

**-CHWIN.**

* * *

She didn't want to hear it.

_(You can't let him go! It's too dangerous… I saw it, the boy wouldn't make—)_

She didn't want to be reminded.

_(I'm going. Don't tell me to stay, because if I will… none of us will make it out alive.)_

She didn't want to say it.

(_Just come back. I don't care… Come back—)_

—But it was too late.

* * *

**i.**

* * *

"What happened?"

He stopped tapping his pencil on the table and looked at her. "What do you mean?"

She closed her book. They were in the middle of a study session. It was a group project for their Japanese class about some hard Kanji characters, and coincidentally (or not), their teacher assigned them with their previous partners back when they were in Elementary. She eyed him, leaning on the table with her chin on her palm. "What do you mean 'What do you mean'? I heard from almost half of the school's population that the Dangerous Ability Class had a meeting about important matters. I asked Tsubasa-senpai about it and he tried changing the topic five times!"

He kicked her knee, looking around and pointed the pencil at her. He reminded her mentally that they were in the library before leaning towards her. "Oy Polka," He said, in a whisper. "Don't you understand that it was the _Dangerous Ability Class' meeting _and not a school event?" He tapped the pencil on her forehead before leaning unto his chair and turning a page. "Get back to work; no one really cares about it anyway. It's just for the sake of gossip."

She only looked at him. She looked at his stoic expression as he read through the characters; he was ignoring the glances she was sending him. She pushed her lips together and in a voice hushed in a tone that is barely a whisper said, "But I do care."

He turned his head towards her, his gaze meeting hers. He heard it. Of course he would. For a second or so, the edges of his lips tugged into a smile. It was foreign movement for him; Mikan Sakura would've smiled back, if only she wasn't in a stupor—

(_Did he? Or did he not?)_

—Because all she saw in his eyes (even in his smile) was sadness.

* * *

**ii.**

* * *

She gripped on his shirt. But it was more than that. She gripped for everything that was slipping away from her. More importantly, it was him. He was slipping away from her fingers like sand on her hand and she didn't want him to go. It took one week before she found out that the Dangerous Ability Class was going on a mission. And Natsume Hyuuga apparently was chosen as the team leader. A mission to fight off the opposing organization. It was just too cruel, too unfair, and too dangerous.

_It was like playing Russian roulette._

"You never told me!" She said through bated breath. "How… This…" She closed her eyes, tightening her hold on him as he was going to vanish. He was only silent, he couldn't look at her. Not after lying and before leaving. He couldn't look at her. It would break him, just as how he was already breaking her. She leaned her head on his chest. "…Don't go… please…"

_But she could only watch. She could only look at him play the game. But she could never interfere._

He wrapped his hands on hers and slowly, he removed her grip on his. "Don't." He said, looking at her tiny hands. They're shivering. She's scared. "I'm going. I've decided. Don't… Don't tell me to stay because if I will… none of us will make it out alive."

_It's either he wins or he loses. _

She shoved him, not hard, but enough for him to feel pain. He turned his back to her and looked at the fire-lit sky. "I don't want to hear it…" She looked at him and felt her eyes moisten. "…Then… Natsume-kun," She called; his eyes are far-away. Thinking and in a reverie.

_There are two guns. One is loaded and the other is empty. _

His head moved to her voice, but he refused to meet her eyes. He could never look into those hazel eyes again. Not— "Before you go… do me a favor and… k-kiss me."

_He could only pick one._

He turned and looked at her hair. Those soft, auburn tresses that he had always loved to curl with his fingers, bury his face into and smell the scent of shampoo and soap. He walked towards her, slowly and slowly. He didn't prepare for this, he wasn't ready for this. And for one last time, his heart churned.

_He grabbed it, weighing it and then unhurriedly, placing it on his temple._

He looked into her eyes and she felt like she was falling—_falling, falling, falling—_hard. "Do you really want it?" He whispered, going an inch closer. She nodded, closing her eyes, letting the tears drop.

_She wanted to shout. But it was too late._

He kissed her, his lips pressing on hers gently. It was chaste and never-ending. He kissed her sweet and true on the lips. It was bittersweet and both of them, if they could, wished time would just stop. For them. Just them.

—_He already pulled the trigger._

* * *

**iii. **

* * *

It's been two weeks or so and today is the due date for the Japanese project. Mikan didn't feel like attending class for the whole day, so she just stayed in bed, flipping through the pages of their project and looked at Natsume's handwriting

She sat up and slipped on her pink, soft bunny slippers. She was thinking of going to the faculty room to pass the project, buy a few boxes of Howalons from Central Town and go back to her room and sleep. She had been thinking about dropping by some of the other shops and check out the latest manga volumes for Natsume while she's at it, all the while taking a shower and dressing up.

But on the way to the faculty room, all she wanted to do was get everything over with. Sit in the park and just look out in the clouds. Do something that'll make her at peace.

She stood outside the faculty room, licked her lips and proceeded to knock. She knocked three times until someone opened the door. It wasn't her Japanese teacher, but it was Jinno. He looked at her with one eyebrow almost below his hairline and pushed his lips together. "What are you doing here, Sakura? Classes aren't finished yet, are you here to cause some trouble?"

She shook her head politely. "No sir, I'm here to pass my Japanese project to Yukihara-sensei. I had a high fever this morning."

He dismissed her by waving at the thin air beside him and walked away. "He's inside."

"—_No! Absolutely not! You have to bring him back. All of them, at once. Before _it _happens. I… I can't bear to see them…. I'll go to the principal right away." _

Mikan Sakura paused by the wall, beside her was the door wide open. She can identify the voice being Serina-sensei's. It was that flawless, smooth voice. But now, it was frightened, tensed and angry.

"_You can't just go and barge in there, sensei. What's done is done. All you're told to do is look at the outcome of the… war. You can't mess with fate, Serina. All we have to do it pray for them and let it go."_

Mikan hugged the paper-bound project to her chest and closed her eyes. Was it bad to eavesdrop? It is, but what if… what if it's about the Danger—No. Absolutely not. They're perfectly fine, right? They're going to—

"_Let it go? You can't let it go! You can't let _him _go! It's too dangerous… I saw it, the boy wouldn't make it. He was thinking of sacrificing everything from the very start. It's what he's taught. To protect others… he has to… Oh, but he's so young. He has so, so much ahead of him… Natsume Hyuuga has…"_

Her arms dropped, lifeless and weak. N-natsume Hyuuga? T-that… That couldn't be.

Mikan dropped her project and ran away. Ran so fast, the wind is whipping her face hard. She wanted to run away from pain. From reality.

Her tears fell. And they keep on falling. They never stopped.

Like she never stopped loving him.

But everything was just too late.

* * *

_Don't tell me that I'll—_

"Miss him?" Sumire said, placing an arm over her shoulders. "I do too, it's just that… I think of it as a good thing. Where's your big ball of optimism when you need it?"

—_Because I don't._

"Sakura-san…" She turned to the voice that called her and smiled. Ruka. Ruka Nogi. If only she'd fallen for him instead. If only…

_No._

"Ruka-pyon…" She said and he walked towards her, grabbing her into a consoling hug. "Oh…" And when she buried her head on his shoulder. She realized she can never love him more than she loved Natsume Hyuuga.

_I will. I will miss him. Every part of him. I'll remember his words. Every single one of them. And when I really do, I will miss him._

He brushed her hair with his hands. Ruka closed his eyes. How can he comfort a girl when nothing is actually right? How can he comfort a girl—that girl he always loved—when he knew she wouldn't even listen? How could he comfort a girl when all he could think is love her in his place instead?

_But I will hate him._

Mikan looked up at Ruka. His eyes held the same emotions he depicted long ago. Back when he told her he was in love with her. But she could never—_nevernevernever—_fall in love with him. She removed her hands around his back and smiled meekly. She turned her back and closed her eyes. "I'm sorry."

_Because exactly where I needed him the most, he didn't show up._

"I'm sorry."

_You liar._

* * *

You can never take enough chances.

You can never stop yourself from loving.

Don't ever hold back.

_But for now._

_For Mikan Sakura._

Everything was just too late.

* * *

**Author's Notes:**

If you're cool like that by reading this angsty, tragedy filled fic of mine, then you should review. ;) Like. Fo sho.


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